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Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you because I am very concerned about my father. He is in his mid-80s but he is still very alert.

He only has two of us, my brother and I. My mother died eight years ago. My brother and I tried to encourage our father to either sell the house or live with one of us, but he prefers to live in his home. So we gave up on the idea of moving him. Every woman who has gone to live at the home has complained that our father is very difficult to get along with. He uses expletives and he does not like to pay them.

One of the caregivers we employed was a practical nurse; she drove my father to the doctor and was very cooperative. When we employed her, she asked if her boyfriend could stay with her sometimes; we all agreed. But one day my father called my brother and told him that he does not want this girl's man to continue coming to the house and staying over because they don't have any respect for him. He said he can hear them in the room carrying on as if they are going to break down the bed. My brother told him to have a glass of wine and knock himself out. I asked the caregiver whether that was so and she said the rooms were far apart, and maybe my father came to her room door and was listening while she and her boyfriend were having some fun. We laughed about it and she continued to work.

My father told her that she should not allow her boyfriend to sleep over any more. So there are times when she would leave after giving my father his supper and her boyfriend would pick her up and she would return very early in the morning. My brother and I didn't like that because somebody ought to be in the house with our father. So we laid her off. Now, our father is begging us to get her back and the young woman says that she will return, but we would have to pay her much more. We were already paying her $30,000 weekly. Now, this girl's boyfriend does not want her to come back because our father has disrespected them.

Our family doctor told us that it is unwise not to have someone at the house with our father because anything can happen. I cannot stay with him every night because I have my husband and children to take care of. How can my brother and I get our father to go to a nursing home? Please give us your advice.

L.C.

Dear L.C.,

Your brother and you have not been able to convince your father to go into a senior citizens' home where he could be cared for.

He prefers to be in his own home. I know that you are concerned about your father and his doctor has advised you to have someone stay with him at his house. I would therefore suggest that your doctor have a quiet and frank talk with your father. He should be able to give him reasons why he should not live alone. If he cannot convince him, I don't know who else would be able to do so.

Concerning the complaint from your father about his caregiver and her man. Perhaps you should look at that as a form of jealousy. Perhaps when he heard the caregiver and her boyfriend, he was reminded that he cannot do much of anything like that, and yet this man is doing those things in his house. Don't hold that against your daddy; just try to convince him to go to a senior citizens' home.

But, in the mean time, consider employing two persons to say with him in his house.

Pastor