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Dear Pastor,

I am 24 and a Christian. I have two brothers and we all grew up as Christian people.

My brothers are older than I am and they broke away from the church we attended as children. Both have fathered children with different women. One of my brothers has two children and the other has one. They are not interested in marrying these women. They told me that there was a time when they did not use protection, but now they are doing so whenever they have sex.

My parents love their grandchildren. I have only had sexual intercourse once, and I told myself that I will not do it again unless it is with a man I can call my husband. The man who took my virginity was in his 50s. He was very kind to me when I was going to high school. He paid for my graduation gown and gave me money to do my hair. He showed up at my graduation, but I could not take any pictures with him because I wouldn't know what to do with them. It did not bother him.

After high school, he helped me to get a job and a student loan. He has four children. He got married to one of his girlfriends. He is always calling and asking me to spend some time with him. He told me that I would always have headaches if I don't have sex. I will always love this man because he was like a father to me. When I did not have any money, he took care of me. Even while going to college, he gave me money occasionally. I would like my husband to be like this man. He was caring, loving and he respected me to the max.

I met a man recently and we are dating. He is working on his PhD. I find myself wondering whether he is too educated for me. His parents both have PhDs. They are living in an upscale area. He introduced me to them, but I felt uncomfortable because of the questions they asked me, such as where my mother works. I told them that my mother is a day worker and my father owns his own delivery truck. I could see that they were not impressed. Their son and I have never had sex. He is trying to get me to attend the church that he attends. I visited a couple of times, but they are too formal in their worship. I told him that I would not want to become a member. He told me that I would get accustomed to it, but I doubt I would. It is a middle-class type of church.

I do not know if this guy's parents would love me and accept me into their family because of my background. I have never invited this guy to my parents' home.

F.M.

Dear F.M.,

You are 24, so you should know that often when men want women to have sex with them, they tell them that they will suffer from headaches if they don't have sex.

Some even go as far as telling young girls that they will go crazy. But these things are not true. I don't know of any woman who has gone crazy because she didn't have sex. If anyone can point that out to me after researching it, I will be happy to see that information. The man who took your virginity was very good to you. He gave you help while you were in high school, and he assisted you in getting a loan to attend college. But you knew that it was not wise for you to continue to have sex with him, so both of you ended the very close and intimate relationship.

Concerning your present boyfriend, you are intimidated by his folks. You shouldn't be ashamed of your background. You parents have done their very best for you and your brothers. Although you always remember the man who assisted you financially in high school and college, your parents gave you the foundation on which you have built your life. Your boyfriend has to accept who you are. You cannot change where you are from. If they love you, they will accept you. You are employed, and you can go back to school if you wish.

Concerning the church your boyfriend attends, perhaps you need to visit there more often; you may get to like it. Of course, if the relationship is not going to develop into marriage, then you don't need to attend that church. Stick to the church you are presently attending. Don't change your church because of a man. You have to worship at a place where you are very comfortable.

Pastor