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Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and I believe I am in love with a man who is 30. I say I believe because my friends are very surprised that I am still with this guy.

When I met him, he told me that it was love at first sight. I asked him whether he had a girlfriend and he told me no. We started to date, and after going out with him twice, he told me that he had lied to me. He said he has a child with a girl and he has tried to break up with her but she is not leaving him alone. I told him that after he ends the relationship with her, we can resume dating. He said that in his mind, he is finished with her, but I told him that she is not finished with him.

A few weeks after, he called me and wanted us to go out. I asked him what about his child's mother and he said she is there but he has not visited her. I asked him how he supports his child and he said he puts the money for the child into her account. I asked him for the woman's number but he refused to give it to me. He said it was not necessary for me to call her, so I told him that I will not go anywhere with him. Two days later, he showed up at my workplace and I told him that he should not have come there. He apologised and said he was longing to see me.

I gave him an ultimatum - I told him that it was either his child's mother or me, and I refused to make myself a fool for him. I gave him two weeks to settle this matter and I wanted proof that he had ended the relationship with her. I did not want him to give me any proof by word of mouth. I told him to write me a note in which he should include the woman's number. When two weeks passed and I did not hear from him, I thought that he needed more time, but I did not extend the ultimatum. He called me and I hung up on him. I did not want to hear from this man. He kept calling me and I finally answered. He said his child's mother has decided to leave him but she is also leaving the child with him. I told him to accept his child and ask his mother to take care of him. I again asked him for the woman's phone number and when he didn't give it to me, I told him not to call me back.

My biggest mistake is that I had sex with this man and I told him everything about myself. Now, I feel like a fool. His child's mother is using the child to hold on to him. I changed my number because he did not accept the child and let the woman go. I wasn't planning to be a stepmother, but because I love this man so much, I agreed to take the child. He cannot have his child's mother and me at the same time. I am not playing that type of game.

I don't know what to do, so I am asking you for some guidance.

A.T.

Dear A.T.,

You have already made it clear to this man that he has to make a decision. It is either he would continue to have an intimate relationship with his child's mother or he would leave her and come to you because he loves you more.

He was fooling around from the very beginning of the relationship. He did not tell you the truth. You have given him ultimatums but he behaves as if he considers your ultimatums as a joke. Frankly, I believe that you should just forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made by going to bed with him. Tell yourself that everybody has made mistakes and move on. He says he loves you but his actions do not show that he does. Run this man out of your life. You are wasting time with him.

Pastor