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Dear Pastor,

I am married, but I am having serious problems. I no longer love my husband. To be honest, I didn't love him completely when we got married, and now whatever love I had is gone. I know you might say I'm wrong, but I don't see myself as a bad person.

The truth is, I'm in love with one of his brothers. He is kind, helpful, and single. He knows how I feel because I've told him.

I have two children with my husband, but he hardly gives me any money to support them. I mostly rely on his brother to help with the children's needs. When I ask my husband for money, he simply tells me that because I am working, I must do my part. Everything is expensive at the supermarket, and the children eat a lot. The only thing I can depend on him for is to pay their school fees. All of my income goes straight into buying food.

We also have a day's worker, but my husband refuses to pay her. He says there's no reason to have a helper because I should manage the house myself. Pastor, when I get home from work, I am exhausted. Yet, my husband does nothing to help and doesn't want the helper to cook for him either. His brother has spoken to him about it, but when my husband found out I had complained to his brother, he got very angry.

I don't want to destroy his brother's marriage - especially since his wife and I get along very well. They recently got married.

We are paying rent, which is very expensive, and every month I have to contribute to it. My husband accuses me of not being a good wife because I'm not submissive. But how can I submit to a man who is so mean to me?

Sometimes, I have dark thoughts - especially about sex. I don't hide anything from his brother; he knows how I feel. There have been moments I wanted to sleep with him just to hurt my husband. But to his credit, he always encourages me to control myself.

My husband spends his time running around with politicians, but I don't see him benefiting from those connections.

R.P.

Dear R.P.,

You and your husband urgently need to see a family counsellor together. You are at a vulnerable point where you are willing to give yourself to another man -- not just your brother-in-law, but potentially anyone who would offer you money or affection. These are the dangerous thoughts running through your mind.

Although you are working, you feel frustrated that so much of your earnings goes towards maintaining the household and supporting the children, while your husband is not pulling his weight. He refuses to pay the helper because he believes she isn't necessary, but you clearly know the help is needed.

Your feelings of emotional starvation have led you to desire intimacy with your brother-in-law. Thankfully, he has shown restraint and is encouraging you to do the same. You said you would sleep with him to punish your husband - but in truth, the one who would suffer most is you. If your husband finds out, he may leave you, and you will be left with greater emotional turmoil.

Please put those thoughts out of your mind and seek counselling as soon as possible. I also recommend you sit down and create a household budget. Show it to your husband so he can clearly see the financial strain you're under and understand how little he is contributing.

The temptation to be with your brother-in-law is strong, but I urge you to control yourself. Do not destroy his marriage, and do not compromise your own integrity. Get professional help to work through these challenges before making any further decisions.

Pastor