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Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old and I have been dating a man for the past year and a half. He is the only child for his mother. They were very close. She passed on three months ago.

This man's life has changed. He used to be very upbeat, now he hardly speaks. He has a brother and two sisters on his father's side, but they are not close. They talk, but he does not even visit their homes.

His father did not treat his mother very well. He told me that his father only provided lunch money for him to go to school occasionally. However, he hasn't held that against his father. His mother was everything to him, so he is still grieving her passing.

My boyfriend did not cry openly at his mother's funeral, but I have seen him weep at home, especially when he looks at her photograph. He has an aunt who is living in Canada, and she has been encouraging him to migrate to Canada, but he is not interested.

To help him overcome his grief, I go to his house and sleep with him. It is a two-bedroom house. Before the passing of his mother, he was trying to add another room to the house, but it is a convenient place.

Some of the people from my church found out that I sleep at the house and they criticise me and call me a backslider. The pastor spoke to me and asked me whether it is true that I sleep at my boyfriend's house. I told him that I do so sometimes. He said that he would not say anything about it, but if members complain to him again, he would have to 'read me out'.

In the beginning, we slept head and toe, and he never pressured me for sex -- his mind was too consumed by grief. Since some members of my church found out, I've changed how I sleep beside him. Now, we face each other, and I try to comfort him through his pain.

I went to his house and stayed there because of the love we have for each other. I was hoping that the emotional support would help him, because our relationship has been going very well. He has not just been my lover; he is my closest friend.

Recently, he told me that I must make sure I have condoms in my bag because he does want to get me pregnant. He wanted us to get married in September, but all his money was used up for his mother's funeral. It cost more than a million dollars to bury his mother.

Pastor, do you think that these members of my church should have reported me to the pastor? My boyfriend says after we get marry, we should rededicate our lives to God. He said that we should show everybody in the church that our relationship means a lot to us, and we were not just fooling around for the sake of having sex. This man does not drink, gamble nor smoke. I really love him; he is honest and I trust him.

What suggestion can you give to us?

E.R.

Dear E.R.,

It seems to me that you have found a good man and that you love him. He is kind, considerate and in general very helpful. The passing of his mother has brought much grief to him. I do understand that you believe that as the woman in his life, you should be available to comfort him and to give him moral support.

I commend you for standing with him at this time of grief.

You mentioned that the two of you have been sharing a bed since his mother passed. While you initially slept 'head and toe', I think most readers understand the implication, and also recognise that such arrangements often don't last. You might have the right attitude, but as the Bible says, "the flesh is weak". It is, therefore, not surprising that both of you are now having sex.

Members of your church found out that you were sleeping at your boyfriend's house and, assuming the worst, reported it to the pastor. The pastor, while understanding, reminded you of the church's expectations -- and warned that if complaints continue, he would have no choice but to take disciplinary action. That does not mean he hates you. He is simply carrying out his duty as a shepherd to the flock.

You said that marriage was planned for September, but financial constraints -- especially the cost of the funeral -- have made that impossible for now. May I suggest that instead of postponing your union, you consider having a small, private wedding? Just the two of you and two witnesses would be enough. Then, when your financial situation improves, you can host a larger celebration for friends and family. That way, your union is blessed and official, and you both can live together without fear of judgement or consequences from the church community.

If your pastor is not a marriage officer, I will be happy to officiate a private sermon for you, free of cost.

Your minister has to carry out his pastoral duties, so do not believe that he hates you for telling you that you will be disciplined if you continue to sleep with your man if both of you are not married.

Pastor