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Dear Pastor,

I am seeking your advice. I have always read your column. I am 31 years old, and I have two children for my husband. He works with the government and is always busy.

Sometimes he ignores me, and I have to ask him if he no longer finds me attractive. He said that I am still attractive and that there is nothing wrong with me. He said he is just tired. As soon as he enters the house his children run to him, and he hugs them, but he just passes me as if he did not see me.

I tell you no lie, he loves his children, and they love him. Sometimes when I am having sex with my husband he behaves as if his thoughts are far away. He is in the security field. I told him that he should leave that job and seek one that is less stressful. He told me to give him some time, but the days are going by and I don't see any improvement.

I have never cheated on my husband, and I don't intend to do so. I just want our relationship to improve.

Initial withheld

Dear Writer,

Some jobs are incredibly stressful and can place a serious strain on a relationship. Women who love men in uniform--such as police officers, soldiers, or firefighters--sometimes underestimate the emotional toll these professions can take. These men often come home already burdened by the pressures of their work, and if they are met with tension rather than tenderness, it can compound their stress.

Sadly, some partners greet them with complaints, coldness, or indifference, rather than warmth and support. While the children are usually happy to see their fathers and rush to greet them, the atmosphere with their partners can be less than welcoming. It's not uncommon for a man in this situation to turn his attention to his children for comfort and stress relief, ignoring the grumpy energy he feels from his spouse.

It can be difficult for any man to maintain balance under these circumstances. So I ask--what is your posture when your husband walks through the door? Are you dressed in a way that shows self-care? Do you greet him with warmth and kindness? Do you help him ease into the comfort of home, perhaps by helping him take off his shoes or simply making him feel welcomed and appreciated?

Sometimes, a man may feel turned off if he perceives that his partner has not made an effort--especially if she has been home all day, is unkempt, or neglects personal hygiene. I say this with no intention to offend, but simply to encourage reflection. You might be playing a bigger role than you realise in why your husband seems distant or withdrawn.

I remember speaking with an older gentleman who had been married for many years. He once told me that his wife could immediately sense whether he had a good or bad day at work--and she adjusted her approach accordingly. When she passed away, he told me he longed to die as well, just to be reunited with her. That's the kind of connection and support that builds unbreakable bonds.

From what you've written, it seems like there may be a breakdown in communication between you and your husband. And communication, as you know, is the key to any strong and lasting relationship. If you feel that the connection is slipping, I strongly encourage you to seek help from a qualified family counsellor.

Pastor