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Dear Pastor,

I am 42 and I have two daughters. I have been married for 10 years but my husband and I are not getting along.

He is always working, so he does not have time for me. I used a sex toy for a long time. One day, one of his friends came to our home and asked me how I have been doing. I told him that I have been doing well physically, but not emotionally. We chatted for a long time and I entertained him.

This man is married and I know his wife; I knew her before they got married. When he was leaving, we kissed passionately. Then he said "You better go before we get ourselves into trouble." When he got home, he called me and told me that I turned him on and he was begging me for 'a piece'. I did not know how to react to what he said, so I just laughed. He told me he was serious. Four weeks after that, we went to a hotel and had passionate sex. Since then, I cannot get this man out of my head. I asked him why he would choose to make me crazy and he said he was not responsible for that; it was my husband who is not treating me the way he should.

We are still having sex any time we have the opportunity to do so. But we have to use different hotels and we do not travel together. My husband makes lots of money, but I need more than that. Whenever I tell him that I need his time, he says that he is working hard to have enough money so that he could spend more time with me. When I look at my children, I say to myself "I do not want to hurt these children, so I will not divorce their father."

I am in a very good job. It pays well and the benefits are good. I would like you to take off your religious hat and tell me the truth: do you believe that I am wrong in having another man in my life? My new man spends much time with me when we are in bed and I wish at times that we do not have to stop. I am trying my best not to make my husband suspect that I am having sex with another man.

We have a helper who we used to give time off every other weekend. Now I tell her that she can go home to her people every week. She is such a good girl, so at times I allow my children to go home with her, so that I can spend more time with my husband. So he feels that he is the only king in my life. I know you will say that I am a bad woman. I don't want to be bad, I just want my husband to know that my body feels for sex and because of that, I have to go to his friend. Would you condemn me? And is there any hope for me?

E.

Dear E.,

I am not here to condemn anybody. I am a straightforward person. I may tell a person whether I believe they are right or wrong.

You know what you are doing is not right. Your husband has been good to you. He provides for you and his children. He is working very hard and evidently he believes that by making lots of money, the time may come when he will be able to relax and let his money generate enough, so that he would not have to work so very hard and have more time to spend with you. I know men who have lost their families because they have ignored their wives. They were not conscious of it and their women had enough time to cheat.

Women do not like to be ignored because it is not difficult for them to find a 'bumna' man. Some women are heavy cheaters because they want more money. That is not true in your case. You are cheating because you love to have sex and you do not believe that you are getting enough of it from your husband. It would have been better for you to continue using your sex toys than to be going to bed with your husband's friend. Whether you agree with me or not, that is the way I see it. You are making yourself cheap and you are fooling your husband. But I warn you, he will not always accept what you are doing.

One of these days he will wake up and find out that you have another man. You will make a mistake and his eyes will be opened. So hear me now, cut out this foolishness and tell your side man that you do not wish to go back to bed with him. Find yourself a family counsellor; sit with them, let them listen to your story and make some suggestion that will strengthen your marriage.

Pastor