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Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column and I always enjoy it. I am having a problem and I am asking for your help.

I am a single mother and I have two children for two different men. One of them supports his child, but the other doesn't. I took the one who does not support his child to court and the court ordered that he should pay me some money every month, but he hasn't been doing so. I threatened to take him back to court, but I changed my mind for my child's sake. I would not want him to be arrested for failing to give me money for his child.

I am ashamed to tell you that I pay my bills with the money that I get from my other son's father and what I earn. When my son was born, the one whose father supports him, the father asked me if I would marry him and I told him no, because I did not like his type of work. At that time, he was working on a garbage truck and I could not see myself marrying a man who was taking up garbage, but I never told him the reason. I look back now and see that he has really made progress. He does not do that type of work any more. He bought a car and is using it as a taxi. He is still not married, so sometimes when I need a man, I call him and tell him to pick me up, and he knows when I say that, it means he will get some sex.

Right away you are saying that I am a bad girl, but I don't consider myself so. These things happen in life. I am very fortunate to have brothers and sisters who help me out sometimes. One day I asked my son's father if he still wants to marry me and he told me he has changed his mind. Do you think I should still go back to court so that the other man who does not give me the money that the court has ordered, will pay up?

My oldest sister told me I should take him back to court. What do you say, Pastor?

N.J.

Dear N.J.,

First of all, I want you to forgive yourself for not accepting the proposal from one of your son's fathers.

You say you did not give him the reason why you turned down his proposal, but I suspect that he knows. You didn't want a man who works with garbage to be your husband. But now that you have seen that he has made progress, and that he is a good father, you are willing to be his wife. You know that whenever you want sex you can call on him, so you are using him to meet your sexual needs. He is happy to facilitate you, but he does not want you as his wife. You have to hope that he would change his mind and marry you, because you should not continue to live the way you are now.

Concerning the other man who does not support his child - take the matter to court again, but this time retain a lawyer. You will receive justice.

Pastor