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Dear Pastor,

I have a real problem and I hope you can help me. I am 18 and I am living at home with my stepfather and mother.

I have an older sister who is 20 and one day she told me that while she was in the bathroom having a shower, my stepfather was peeping at her. We have an outside bathroom and we have to catch water in drums to use it to tidy ourselves and flush the toilet. My mother and grandparents are very poor. My mother got involved with men when she was very young and had my sister and I. I do not know my father. I asked my mother where she met him and she said she met him at a dance; they were drinking and things happened. My mother does not even know his name but she knows the name of my sister's father. He makes furniture. Because of my stepfather's behaviour, my sister cursed him and moved out. When she told our mother that she caught him peeping at her, my mother told him that he was a worthless man and if she could do better she wouldn't stay with him.

I have a boyfriend but I am not a bad girl. I told him that one of the reasons why I have him is because I need protection from my stepfather. He does not joke. I was passing my stepfather one day and he touched me on my bottom and I told him that if he did that again, I would stab him, and I mean it. I used to be afraid to stay in the house when my mother was not there. But I am no longer afraid since I have this boyfriend. I told my mother about him and she told me to bring the guy so she could meet him. She also told my stepfather about this guy.

My only problem with my boyfriend is that he has a babymother. He told me that I should not make that bother me because she does not know about me. My mother told my boyfriend that he should try not to get me pregnant but he told me that he would want a child from me. My sister is now living with a man and she is working. My mother does a little buying and selling. I want her to be proud of me. I would want to go to college and to leave the area where we are living and take my mother with me.

I don't pressure my boyfriend for money because he has his child to support but I hate my stepfather and he told my mother I was lying on him, But if he had respect for himself and for my sister and I, he would not fool around us. Do you agree?

K.J.

Dear K.J.,

Your letter reminds me of what a young woman told me some years ago.

She too was living under depressed conditions and she said that she had to bathe in an outside bathroom and men would pass and look at her and shout at her and she would reply "You can look but you won't get anything." Today, that young woman is married and living with her husband and children in a lovely environment. She suffered embarrassment growing up in her community and everybody knew that they were very poor and struggling, but she is not struggling now. I want to say to you that you will not always have to struggle.

I cannot say that I support that choice you have made by getting involved with a bad man to deal with your stepfather. You have to be careful that this man does not use you. He is already telling you that he wants to have a child with you. Whatever he does for you, he would want to be compensated, so bear that in mind and let me hear from you again.

Pastor