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Dear Pastor,

I am 35 and I have two children, but I am not married. Growing up, it was my dream to get married.

I used to dress up as a bride, look in the mirror and wish that I would meet a man soon after leaving school and get married. I was taught in church that it is a wonderful thing if a girl could be married when she is a virgin, but when I lost my virginity, I put that behind me.

You might be surprised that the guy who took my virginity was the pastor's son. We always used to fool around. His mother loved me, so I was always at their home. She loved baking, so she would call me and tell me to come over. My parents allowed me because I was going to my pastor's home and I would be there with his wife. She taught me many things. Her son fell in love with me and there were many opportunities for us to fool around. The pastor was not always at home, but his wife did not work.

One day I went into their swimming pool, as the pastor's wife encouraged me to have a swim. I told her I could not swim, so she told her son to teach me. He was glad for the opportunity to hug me. His mother wasn't paying attention to us. He started to play with me and kiss me. He took me into the pool where I had to hold on to him. He started to play with my vagina and it felt good. I did not resist, but I was scared that his mother may come out and call me, so our playing around ended there for that day. But another time I went back, and this time I asked if I could go in the pool and his mother said "Go right ahead". The son and I carried on again, and he had sex with me in the pool.

The third time we had sex was in his father's car and he got me pregnant. When I told him that I missed my period, he said that I shouldn't call his name. But I told my mother the truth and she spoke to his parents. They told her that they would help to support the child, but he was accepted at a US college and we were too young to get married. He went abroad and when the child was born, I informed him and sent pictures of the baby. But he got involved with another woman, so I was left with this baby. His parents kept their word and assisted me with everything that I needed. Nobody in my community knew that it was the pastor's son who got me pregnant. The pastor asked my mother and I if we could take the child to another church to be blessed because he did not want people in his church to know that the child was his grandson. I went to the church and the baby was blessed there and I have never gone back to that church where I grew up. But I have never stopped talking to the pastor.

I got involved with another man four years later. He promised to marry me, but he did not keep his word. I have a good education. Thanks to my older child's grandfather, he assisted me through college. I respect him very much. His son got married but he has begged me pardon for getting me pregnant. I have never hated him, but I told him that he should have come back to Jamaica to marry me because I have always wanted to be married and I did not want to have children out of wedlock. His son carries his name; he loves him and his grandparents sent him to good schools.

I am still not married, but I am not looking for a partner. The desire to be married has waned. I have learnt how to pleasure myself. I do not need any financial support from any man. I have a good job and I own my own house. My mother is living with me and I love her and my children very much. I am not lonely. I have good friends and we go out together occasionally. I don't care to be a bride anymore - those days have passed.

C.L.

Dear C.L.,

You have done well. You made your mistakes as did the pastor's son. He asked you to forgive him.

I am glad that the pastor and his wife assisted you financially. They must have taken on the responsibility of supporting your child, and your mother and you cooperated with them. It is unfortunate that you got involved with another man who promised to marry you, but did not. I hope that you would continue to love your children and that they would love you and your mother. I am glad that you have been able to purchase your own home and that your mother is living with you.

Although you are not seeking a partner, you can never know what may happen in the future. Some people get married late, so one of these days, you may meet a good man and you may fall in love with him and both of you may get married and your life will become more meaningful to you.

Pastor