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Dear Pastor,

I am 25 and my husband is 27. I had a child before I got married. The child is five years old.

Before my husband and I got married, he told me that the child could live with us. My husband is always fussing when the child's father calls me. He told me he does not want this man to be calling the house so often. He only calls once or twice per week to find out how his son is doing. Whenever he calls, I hand the phone to his son. My husband says that I am disrespecting him because my son calls his father 'dad', but calls him 'uncle'. I told my son that he should call my husband 'daddy' also, and the little boy asked me how come he would have two daddies.

My child's father supports his son by giving me $5,000 every week, but it is costing me more than that to support this boy. So, my husband is saying that I should give up my son. My mother said that she would keep him. But, Pastor, I told my husband that he should stop acting like a child. I did not hide anything about myself from him. He told me that he knows he has a daughter, but her mother did not register the child in his name. The mother cheated on her boyfriend with him and he got her pregnant. He knows that child is his, but the mother did not want to break up with her boyfriend. She was also afraid of him because he used to carry a firearm. So her boyfriend was very proud of himself when she told him that she was pregnant. To this very day, he believes that he is the girl's father. That little girl is eight years old and she is of light complexion, like her mother. My husband does not support the little girl. He speaks to her mother occasionally. He told me that she is always enquiring about me. I have never spoken to her because we are not friends and I don't want her to know what he told me.

I just want my husband to stop fussing about my son. We are both working and my son is no burden to us financially. As I said, his father gives $5,000 to support him. I believe that my husband thinks that if my son's father continues to call the house and I speak to him, eventually I may become sexually involved with him again. I have assured my husband that from the time I broke up with my son's father, I have never gone back to bed with him. I respect myself too much for that. My son loves my husband and the strange thing about it, he does not fuss with him. He is a schoolteacher, so he is always helping him with his schoolwork. The young child is very bright and he is always asking my husband questions.

Why would I allow this child to go and live with my mother? Tell me what you suggest that I should do.

Anonymous

Dear Writer,

Do not even consider giving up your child, whether to your mother or to anybody else.

Your husband knew that you had this little boy and he agreed that he could live with both of you. Now he is behaving as a fool. I think you hit the nail on its head - he probably believes that if your child's father continues to call the house, both of you might have a secret affair. Whenever the man calls the house, you allow your son to talk to him. Calling twice or so per week is enough. He wants to know how his child is doing. But this is not a simple matter. It is something to discuss with a family counsellor.

Your husband wants the child to call him dad. You would be a wise woman not to fight that suggestion. Tell the little boy to call him dad, also. You may tell him that he is privileged to have two daddies and as he grows up, he would learn that one is biological and the other is his mother's husband, who is his stepfather; so he is entitled to be called dad also.

I am glad that your husband treats him well, but it is time for him to grow up. He should never give the impression that he doesn't want the biological father to call, and for you and his son to not speak to him. He does not want to be considered a deadbeat father, so he supports him financially and he wants to know about his daily progress. You should also make arrangements for him to meet with his son. Perhaps at your mother's house, once or twice per month, but make sure that you are not there when he is visiting his son.

If your husband continues to fuss about your child's father calling you, please suggest that both of you go to see a family counsellor.

Pastor