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Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and I have a boyfriend. I am a Christian and so is he. We attend the same church, but in our church, the men sit on one side and the ladies on the other.

Only married couples sit together. Our church believes that when young people sit together, they do not concentrate on what is being said from the pulpit. Some of the things that we hear in church are foolishness, but the older folks, especially the women are always watching the young people. The pastor is my boyfriend's uncle. He has been encouraging us to get married and not to fall into sin. My boyfriend and I have had opportunities to be on our own. We have played around, but we have not gone all the way. It is not that we did not want to go all the way, but we are very nervous about this thing called sex.

My boyfriend's uncle said that when we are ready to be married and the date is set, his wife will speak to me about what I should expect, and she would also tell me what I have to do to keep my husband. He would instruct his nephew what he should do on his honeymoon. They scare me. My boyfriend is 22. He has an older brother who is not married, but is living with his girlfriend. He told me that he discussed with his brother what he should do. My boyfriend's brother told him that he should not be an idiot; he should have sex with me before we are married. I told him I do not want to engage in premarital sex. But I had to promise my boyfriend that after we have set the date of our marriage, we will try and have sex. The more I think about it is the more I tell myself that I should not have made that promise.

Do you think that it is wrong for a couple that is engaged to have sex? My boyfriend's brother used to attend church, but he hardly attends now and he brags and tells his brother that he and his girlfriend have sex at least three times per week. Even when he is tired because of his work, she demands sex from him and he has to comply. Is premarital sex permitted when couples are engaged and planning to be married?

F.R.

Dear F.R.,

I can only tell you that the Bible teaches: sex outside of marriage is wrong. The Bible calls that fornication.

However, I would not subscribe to what your church is doing. I do not believe that if young people sit together in church that would encourage them to fornicate. That is nonsense. I think it is beautiful to see young people sitting together and learning to worship in church together. But let me hurry to add that older folks are tempted to fornicate whether they are sitting together or not. So, folks should not condemn young people or judge them because they sit together. Some churches are against young people going on dates because they believe that by going on dates, they will sin.

I am not here advising your boyfriend and you to engage in sexual intercourse, but what I would suggest is that you read good Christian books about family life and sex. But don't follow the advice of your boyfriend's brother. Right now, concentrate on your college work and make sure that you do not put yourself into any position where you might be tempted to fornicate, so to speak. I wish your boyfriend and you the very best.

Pastor