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Dear Pastor,

I need your advice. I am still living with my parents. They have six of us, but only four are still living at home.

It is a three-bedroom house. The place has got crowded because one of my sisters has twins. My parents are saying that it might be time for me to move on since I am 20 and I have a boyfriend. They are afraid that my boyfriend may get me pregnant and I may end up like my sister who doesn't know where to find her babyfather. He used to be very nice to her, but after she told him that she was carrying his child, he disappeared. We believed that he left the island. My parents are upset, especially my mother. She is always saying that girls always let their parents down, and that is why she prefers boys.

I have a boyfriend but he is not ready for us to get married; neither am I. He recently graduated from college, and I am attending college. He gives me what he can afford, but he comes from a poor home and he is struggling. We love each other. He told me that I need not fear him getting me pregnant. We do not want a child outside of wedlock. His parents also love me. My mother never used to talk to me about sex and contraceptives until after my sister became pregnant. I have assured her that I will not get pregnant. Sometimes I look at my father and how he is enjoying my sister's children. He likes to have the twins on his lap, but it is a heavy load on him financially. My mother is hypertensive and my father is always telling her that she should not fret about anything as that would only push her pressure up.

I started dating when I was 17 until I settled with my present boyfriend. But he was not the one who took my virginity. That man is twice my age. I regret every moment of it. I found out later that he was only going around trying to get girls to go to bed with him. The very evening I had sex with him for the first time, he asked me "Do you know that you are number six?" I asked him what he meant and he said "You are the sixth girl whose virginity I have taken." I felt so used and I decided that I would never allow men to use me like that again. One day he asked me out and I cursed and told him not to call my number again. I blocked him. My present boyfriend is decent. He comes to my home and he sits and talks with my parents. He and my father like politics, so they are always discussing what's going on in the country. They do not support the same party. Sometimes I listen to them and laugh.

I will graduate from college next year. My boyfriend says that we can think about getting married two years after I graduate; that will give us enough time to put things together for our home. I know I can hold out. We may decide to live together for a year before we get married. I know my boyfriend does not cheat on me and I don't intend to cheat on him.

D.P.

Dear D.P.,

I regret hearing that the man who impregnated your sister left her and cannot be found.

But I am glad to know that she is at home receiving support from your parents and other relatives. I could understand how frustrated your mother is, and why she often says that she prefers boys. The fact is many boys go out and impregnate women, but many do not accept the children. Many of them deny that they have children. Girls cannot hide their pregnancy, and even if they try to band their belly down, they eventually have to give up.

I know a foolish girl who was pregnant and even when she was about to deliver the baby, she did not accept that she was pregnant. Many good girls have got pregnant by men who then disappear; these guys are wicked. I have a very close friend whose father did not own her, as we commonly say, but she has grown up to be a wonderful person. Later in life her father tried to get around her, but she totally rejected him. She did not want to have anything to do with him because he did not accept her as his daughter and he knew that she was his child. I understand that his mother told him not to accept paternity. I asked "Was his mother the bed?" Parents, especially mothers, should be careful not to encourage their sons to disown their offspring.

Concentrate on your studies. The months will go by very quickly and you will soon graduate. I will not encourage you to live in concubinage. This man and you can live apart and look forward to your wedding day. Out of frustration, your mother may say it is time for you to move on, but stay right where you are until the right time comes.

Pastor