My ex’s friend wants me
Dear Pastor,
I am 30 years old and I am writing to you because I need your help to make a major decision. I was in a relationship with a man, but two years ago we broke up because he insisted that we should have a child.
At the same time, we had no plans to get married. I told him that I will not get pregnant unless we are married. He said he wanted us to buy a house together first. I told him that I will not put money towards the purchase of a house unless we were married.
We were not living together. I was paying rent for a small one-bedroom apartment and he was living with his parents. They have a large house, so he was downstairs, and he admitted to me that he didn't have to make any contribution; not even to light bill. He spent most weekends with me. He bought what he wanted us to cook. I love to cook, especially on Sundays. He is from Kingston, but I am a country girl, so I enjoy cooking.
When he told me that he was not ready to get married but eager to become a father, I considered the matter carefully and then told him that if he doesn't love me enough to marry me, we should end our relationship. That night he wanted us to have sex and I told him no.
He left that Sunday night, and telephoned me on Monday but I did not answer. After that he called me every day but I ignored him. He called me from another number, but when I realised he was on the line, I told him that he should stop harassing me. He showed up at my apartment the Friday evening and I told him that he should give me the key that I gave him but he refused. I then asked my landlord for permission to change the lock on my front door and he said he will do it for me. So, he changed the lock and gave me the new keys.
It was hard to put this man behind me. It was very hard to get him out of my mind, but I got over him and I have been without a man for two years.
I am writing you because one of his friends has contacted me and have told me that he has always admired me, and he knew that my ex-boyfriend was never serious about me. I asked him why he believed that and he said that my ex-boyfriend said women cannot be trusted. He is interested in me and would like me to consider being in a relationship with him.
To be honest, I have always admired this man, but I worry about what others might say if we get involved, especially given his past friendship with my ex. We've gone out for lunch, but we are not officially dating.
He previously had a girlfriend and they share a child. He has given me his side of the story, but I feel like there's something he's not telling me about why they broke up. I've always said I didn't want to be with a man who already has a child, and that's one of the things I'm struggling with.
On the other hand, he owns a home and pays a mortgage that's just a little more than what I pay for rent. He told me that if we get married, he would put my name on the house title. That's encouraging. He also said he'd love to have two more children. I've always dreamed of having two--one boy and one girl.
I am confused. I have not discussed this matter with anybody, but reading your column, I can see that you have dealt with these matters, so I am turning to you for guidance.
Since I broke up with my ex, no man has breathed into my face. What I am trying to say, I have not had sex with any man, so I kindly turn to you for your advice.
M.L
Dear M.L.,
I want you to know that I believed that you have made a good decision by asking your ex-boyfriend to move on. It was your desire not to become pregnant before you were married.
This man wanted to get you pregnant before making that commitment. It seems as if he did not want to marry you because he wanted to be sure that you can have children. He did not say that to you, but that could have been his main reason.
This man used you. You got tired of it and told him to go. Your landlord cooperated with you and changed the lock on the entrance to your apartment. I believe that you are a very wise young woman.
Now, concerning this man who told you that he is in love with you-- the fact that he was once friends with your ex complicates things. You are wise to tread carefully. I understand your hesitation, especially since he has a child from a previous relationship and you've always dreamed of starting fresh with someone who, like you, has no children. Those feelings are valid.
However, I believe that he ought to give you the reasons why he has broken up with his child's mother. Was it because he was going with other women and his child's mother found out? He needs to tell you the truth.
Is he going to expect you to go to bed with him, and for you to be promised marriage by him? Or would he marry you in the next few months and move you in to his house? Remember, you are 30 years old and it would not be wise for you to allow this man to make you promises because he wants to get you to bed.
I suggest that you make an appointment for the both of you to see an experienced family counsellor face-to-face. Do not make any decision as to whether you would agree to become this man's woman until both of you have gone for counselling and you believe that he is speaking the truth.
Pastor